I have had very limited experience with ‘intimate relationships’. I wasn’t even able to reveal to a 3rd party who I have a crush on.

As a young child, I used to be scared when I had to go outside at night to do a chore. I coped by repeating out loud “I am a robot, I cannot be harmed” to ward off evil beings, if there were any.

When my youngest sister was born, Dad, my sister and I visited her and mum in the hospital. One of nurses told us that we shouldn’t touch my baby sister but no one heeded this rule except me.

I remember in primary school feeling hurt in my relationship with a friend.

I was a good student although i misbehaved a lot. At high school, some teachers and fellow students were surprised that I did well in exams considering my classroom behaviour. Twice, teachers suspected I was cheating in exams.

I enjoyed playing with other kids in the playground and after school. I nearly always went over to friends’ houses rather than them coming over to mine because I felt uncomfortable with friends at my place. Probably scared of their judgment of my family. On the school bus I felt comfortable about half way between the front and the back. I used to be uncomfortable at the inter school bus stop or on trains with kids from other schools. I didn’t like going to school dances. The only teasing I copped was for being so skinny and I remember crying in frustration about this.

I did some holiday work at a law firm around the age of 15 as an office boy. I was very nervous there. I had a few anxiety attacks there where I would feel an intense feeling of doom. I would call Mum and tell her I felt really really worried and after a few minutes of her reassuring me the feeling went away. I always felt anxious visiting my dad at his workplace although I did like it. Meeting his colleagues was particularly uncomfortable.

In my teens I clashed with my dad quite a bit. He was stressed at work and seemed to be quite hard on me. I would shout at him, want to hit him but always come off worst if I did, and I would run away into the paddock with plans to never come back, but would only last a couple of hours before going back to the house.

A couple of silly things I did while growing up were: When I was 12, a friend didn’t want to play cricket one season because he didn’t like it so I copied him and decided not to play soccer even though I liked it. As an older teenager I stopped going with the family to the movies because I was in a mood.

From time to time I have needed to walk across private property and this has always worried me, especially the owner seeing me.

I used to sometimes worry about mum and dad crashing their car when they went out.

Studying Engineering at University, I never really fitted into any of its social groups. I had a couple of friends, though. My sister’s friends studying Law scared the hell out of me. I made a few friends through my school friends who studied Medicine. I was more into the theory than the practice of engineering - the mathematical modelling of physical systems.

After travelling to Indonesia, midway through my course, I knew that to avoid working in a factory or a mine, I would need to get first class honours. The next semester started disastrously because i was quite ill from travelling and i missed quite a few weeks. Knowing I was going to do badly in the exams, I withdrew for the Semester which had no adverse effect on my final transcript. For the final 3 semesters, I worked very hard. I did get first class honours, but there were two situations i feel guilty about. Firstly, there was a design project which i wasn't good at, but a friend had borrowed a good student's work and he photocopied it and i copied this, ending up doing reasonably well in the final grade. Secondly, for a couple of subjects, I had past student's work - and when it came to my exam, for a couple of questions all i had to do was reproduce what i had memorized from past exams. I didn't know that the examiner would give the same questions as last year. All I can say is that I am glad, life is bigger than a couple of unvirtuous acts.

When I was about 19 I worried for weeks that I was gay because I saw that I paid more attention to boys attractiveness than girls attractiveness.

For my 21st I was too uncomfortable about my friends and my family getting together so I just had a party for my friends which wasn’t very nice to my family. Inviting some people - i was worried about whether they liked me.

When I was about 22 I noticed a small bump on the top of my head. I worried that it might be a tumour. Mum had often teased me that I was a hypochondriac. I saw 2 different doctors about this on separate occasions and one of them refered me to a neurologist who did an EEG. There was no tumour.

An example of social anxiety at it worst around this time was when I was at a friend’s student house and there were a few others there including this loud girl and I was very anxious that she would say something to me that would embarrass me and everyone would see, I escaped out of the house and hung out on the sidewalk just outside for about an hour in a very distressed state.

In Engineering we had the opportunity to give a talk and write a paper on anything we like. My thesis questioned whether technology improved our quality of life, which I thought was the most important aim in life. I was always talking about the big picture. I wanted to live to work not work to live. I studied a philosophy subject. I liked to read novels from the 60’s. I quite liked music - rock - as well.

Under pressure from my family and my own self-consciousness about being unemployed, I got a job. I was 23 and a graduate engineer. I endured a year of very painful uncomfortableness, which centred around my problem with personal interaction. I wanted to throw it in, but my Dad told me to stay there at least a year so it would look okay on my resume. A couple of co-workers would joke about me and this would hurt me despite my efforts to shake it off. I absolutely dreaded meetings and the monthly Friday drinks. I went to a couple of meetings representing my company – at each one there was a co-worker, I was very worried about the co-worker judging my performance, I couldn’t say anything except the smallest comments. Towards the end of my 1 year’s work my coping strategy would involve leaving the office a few times a day and walking around the block or going to the park to do my relaxation exercises to recover some concentration. Most lunch hours I would cycle home and play my guitar to relieve the stressful feelings. I didn’t reveal my problem to anyone at work and I resigned after a year because it was too painful.

Upon finishing university, getting a job didn’t appeal to me. I didn’t like the business world. I felt very self-conscious wearing trousers, tie and coat.

At 24, I escaped overseas hoping to find some happiness in adventure. I worked at a summer camp, which was very enjoyable. I liked that no one knew me before I came. I made a couple of friends. When the summer camp finished I travelled by myself for a couple of months. I was hoping to find a job somewhere (eg. New York City) but I experienced blue moods quite a bit and I decided to come home after 6 months away.

From about that time onwards, I would experience these blue moods, which would last from a few minutes to a day or two. They were very debilitating and made social interaction even harder. At the time I would have no idea what caused them and I would try and shake them off but this would have little effect. It was a blue feeling accompanied by intense worry: “oh no this is depression I wont be able to achieve happiness in life”, which I craved. I would get them when I was separated from what made me comfortable. For example, leaving my parents house and going camping with friends.

At 25 I started a PhD to design an artificial heart using computational modelling in Sydney. I quit after four months, I found it difficult to meet with the project team because of my uncomfortableness, the task at hand was daunting, I didn’t have anyone I could relax with and talk to about my worries. I would have blue moods. Unhappy.

Back at home, I got a job as an instructor at a rockclimbing gym. For 9 years I was very passionate about rockclimbing. As an instructor I had to give lessons to customers with the boss watching me. I was anxious about him judging and my performance was stiff. While he wasn’t watching I was great with people, because I liked helping others, especially the less confident person. I was eventually laid off and one of the boss’s complaints was that I had no personality, which he perceived from my stiffness. I had blue moods during this time as well.

Next, I spent months analysing what the perfect vocation for me was, hoping that it would deliver happiness. I enrolled in psychology at Uni. I tried cognitive therapy on myself, but no help. I also tried very hard to be assertive but this wasn’t enough.

I learnt about the mental illnesses in class. These seemed to something to avoid so I tried to avoid their symptoms. I couldn’t locate myself in any of these mental illnesses. I wasn’t depressed in the sense that I was despairing, sad, or sleeping unhealthily. I didn’t have panic attacks where I thought I was going to have a heart attack, or phobic of things so I would avoid them. I was having major difficulties though. I found social interaction very distressing. I worried about what others would think of me, especially about what my career plans were. Walking past certain books in the library, gave me an uncomfortable anxious feeling, especially books about neuroticism.

With my family’s urging I saw a psychologist. He quickly saw that I had an anxiety problem but his diagnosis worried me more. Up till this point I had always been struggling to convince myself that I was okay, now I had a chink in my armour that went right to the heart of who I was. I worried that I was manic-depressive or that there was something wrong with my brain. I was having anxiety attacks. I felt my life was becoming tragic and ruined. I perceived I had this huge problem and everyone else didn’t. This hurt. The psychologist then proposed that I take medication. I was scared of losing the self that I knew and thought it was pretty terrible that I needed medication to cope. I didn’t like the idea but this seemed to be the only choice. I started taking antidepressants.

I went on a rockclimbing holiday for 5 weeks in which I had a couple of good buddies and I came back really happy. I was starting a new life. The medication had totally relieved the nervous breakdown, taken away the mental pain, and I relished the new found calm, ease and security to my mind. My anxiety around other people was reduced.

I forgot about the change of career, and got a job as an engineer with the Department of Natural Resources (DNR). I worked at DNR for about 6 months. Most of the time I worked on a project by myself. I enjoyed socializing with my colleagues at morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. I had a couple of stressful times when I had to work with anyone else. After I finished my project I decided to leave the job. One of the reasons was the lack of any support for my sensitive side. My work mates were so one dimensional. I wanted to head in the direction of spirituality where I had more support for my feelings.

A psychiatrist gave me a book by an Indian teacher. From then on, I was devoted to meditation. After about 6 months of full time dedication to meditation, I decided to try reducing my medication. I had completely forgotten about my past problems with anxiety, and after 2 years on Aropax, I stopped taking it, probably too quickly. During those 2 years I was taking between 20 to 40 mg depending on how stressful life was. 8 weeks before I stopped completely I went from 30 mg to 20 mg. 2 weeks before I stopped I went from 20 mg to 10 mg. For the first week after stopping I experienced nausea and noises like the static on a radio when I moved, especially when I moved my eyes. Then my mood plummeted and I felt very low and irritable. After 6 weeks I gave up my volunteer work because it was too stressful. I experienced a great deal of anguish. It was irritating and painful to hear other peoples everyday concerns, which seemed comparatively insignificant. I was annoyed because no one seemed to understand what my experience was and because I was putting in so much effort to be happy, everyone else’s behaviour seemed lazy. I found social contact with any other person except my parents and sisters painful. I didn’t go to my extended family’s Christmas party. Thoughts ringing with pain would intrude into my mind. I worried about being “antisocial”. I went over to visit my best friend and his family. I tried very hard to remain calm, but it was painful and the talk came around to mental illness and upon leaving there I experienced intense mental pain. I also got this intense mental pain watching a documentary about some American explorer who had a mental illness. I experienced lethargy, I had difficulty expressing myself and difficult thinking and making decisions. My voice was a shell of its former self. I went for 3 months without medication, in a lot of pain and distress hoping it would go away. I tried to remain mindfully alert of my body and mind, but gave up meditation and gave up on Buddhism after a couple of months because I didn’t think they were helping. The only sensible choice was to resume medication but I worried about this because I felt the real me was this anxious depressed person and that was that. I worried about being dependant on medication. “What if there was a war and manufacture of antidepressants was suspended”. My family urged me to see a psychologist or shrink but I didn’t want to because I thought it would be stressful seeing them. I thought that if I couldn’t get through the pain by my own efforts then resuming medication was the solution.

A psychiatrist introduced me to a book written by an indian master. I heard about focus on the present so I used every minute of the day to do this to see how far it went and what this enlightenment thing was.

After 3 months off Aropax I started taking 5 mg, a week later 10 mg. After 2 weeks the hopelessness I was feeling left. A month later I started on a full tablet. It took me a long time to get my confidence as a person back. This was also the case after all my future breakdowns. I worried that I was somehow bad because I had been so antisocial lately. I worried that the medication was the only thing that made me good when I was taking it. I recovered through gardening mostly, I resumed work at the Autism Association which was stressful, eventually got a field assistant job looking for fire ants, got stressed working with others, recommitted myself to meditation and Buddhist study, resigned from my job and resumed being a fulltime spiritual seeker. For a year I visited monks, meditated as much as possible, studied the Buddhist scriptures, tried to be nice and harmless, let go of desires, be good, help my family and others, meet monks. Whilst my soul had been cleansed somewhat I still suffered severe anxiety and depression at times and this is despite trying my skillful best. This was disappointing.

The second half of 2001 and I have a breakdown. I have an impending wedding of a friend. Lots of old friends. I find I am constantly depressed and the control I had over my mind and my life is forced from me like I was holding a steel rod which heats up to an unbearable temperature. I am very anxious at the temple with others. The week of the wedding involves lots of socializing. The socializing is a mixture of pleasure and pain. After social occasions I feel my case is hopeless and I think of death as a solution. I tell my family that I have been thinking of suicide – a noble solution to a shitty circumstance. They strongly urge me to see someone. I strongly argue that there is no technique that can help me as I have tried every way for several years and I would just be repeating strategies that I discarded earlier.

Say it out loud

I feel this cold

(John Frusciante)

I increase my Aropax dosage from 40mg to 60mg the maximum recommended dose. I forget about Buddhism. Life becomes a little easier as I try and ENJOY life – tv, gardening, food, movies, friends. I start trying to be positive. I have doom attacks where life seems hopeless but they end. I keep going once a week to the therapist along with my Dad. I see my shrink again and ask for more medication options. He gives me a packet of anti-psychotics/major tranquillizers. I wonder whether I should take them. I have two social functions and feeling positive afterwards I decide to add the new medication, a few days later and I am feeling better, I am positive most of the time and I notice when I become negative. With joy in my heart I tell my Dad after a session with the therapist that there is a glimmer of hope. One of the side effects of the new medication is increased appetite and weight gain and I actually develop a bit of a pot belly and I dont like this.

After 6 months of the new medication, I find myself always tired and wanting only to sleep, this is one of the side effects of the medication. I reduce the medication by 2/3 and this lethargy goes mostly away. Not perfect but its okay I suppose.

That was seven years ago. It is now 2008. I got back into Buddhism for the third time. After about a year or two I have another nervous breakdown. I am suicidal. I drop Buddhism like a stone. My psychiatrist says i have an avoidant personality. I read in a book that people with personality disorders like this might never be happy. I add lithium to my diet. This helps. I work for three years part time filling shelves at night at a supermarket. I get better, especially when I get a job as a part time cleaner during the day at another supermarket. Having a job I like, being part of a team, being in a supermarket when it is open and helping customers – all contribute to my improved wellbeing. I move to the position of storeman (out the back) at the supermarket. The medication still makes it hard to wake up.

'In whatever task one may undertake — directed toward worldly ends or toward the Dhamma — one must bring to bear the qualities of desire, persistence, intent, and discrimination, skillfully balanced with concentration and right exertion, if one wants to succeed at one's task. '

I read a book written by a psychiatrist recently. The author highlights two issues that have been central to human happiness forever - self-esteem, and other-approval. These issues have been at the core of my problems. I get back into Theravada Buddhism for the fourth time. Buddhism addresses these issues perfectly. I remind myself to focus on what I think of myself and not what i imagine others may think. I remind myself frequently of my virtues and the good that i do. "You're okay, I love you, you'll be right, you can do it, you're worth looking after."

After a year of Buddhism I have another episode where my life spins out of control. I increase one of my medications a bit and I sleep even more each day. Upon waking, the excessive sleep make me low and irritable and aggressive to my parents. Limiting my sleep and seeing some daylight hours is key to me becoming happy again. I am uncertain as to why my happiness has plummeted again but a psychologist shows me that it is anxiety and my psychiatrist tries to help me by telling me that " anxiety has never killed anyone". This helps me change my attitude and stops my anxiety about anxiety. I'm on the mend again.

Apologies to a couple of high school teachers that I drove to despair with my immature hijinks. Regret, for the animals i've killed. Thanks to Mum and Dad, Emma, George and Layne. Thanks to my friends. Thankyou to my teachers and doctors.

At the moment, I have conquered anxiety.